Good ladies and gentlemen.
Come with me as I guide you through this twisting turning hall of terror! Watch your step as I pull aside the beaded curtains of doom, for down these corridors await the Unknown Poets Circus of Freaks! Brace yourselves, for the first grotesque deformity of nature lies before us:
JAMES ANDREWS,
the 50ft Amphibian!
(vocals, bass guitar, snax)
The Artist formerly known as Buckwheat LeFlonk, has been performing since
he was a fetus. While "paying his dues" in several bands including
Mad Bomber's Society, Fat Man's Belly, 2% Punk, Mnemosyne, Backyard Ritual,
Seraphile, Ratz Ass, and Apocalypse Kow, James has appeared on many recordings,
often playing an instrument.
James has been with the Unknown Poets for the past year and a half,
entertaining the band with his zany antics and wacky costumes. An
avid sushi lover, he has been known to sell wasabi from the back of a 72
Buick. On and off the stage, James uses his spleen and his pancreas.
His list of instruments include the bass guitar, voice, trombone, euphonium,
didgeridoo, hammered dulcimer, sober dulcimer, acoustic guitar and electric
blender (most of which he can play). A successful graduate of the
Jenny Craig Program, his pants are all 32 sizes too large.
James is currently studying molecular genetics at university and someday
hopes to clone his own bum (he is currently running with the wrong crowd).
His hobbies include neurosurgery, iguana collecting and amateur levitation.
James has not sold his soul, but is currently taking offers. In the distant
future, James plans to rule the world from the comfort of his Apple IIe,
or become a crazy old man with seven cats.
Shield your eyes and hide your young ones,
lest they feast their innocent eyes upon:
MARK GREENE, the
Amazing Bearded Lady!
(vocals, guitar, witty banter)
If you want great guitar riffs and captivating vocals then Mark probably
knows someone you can go see. He is the displaced Maritimer of the
group and is also well on his way to becoming a professional student as
he works on his second university degree.
His entertainment background began in Miss Wall's grade two class and
subsequently detention hall. With no where to go but down, Mark picked
up a guitar and 10 years later learned to play it.
Mark is an avid fan of Beethoven but thought Beethoven II was a little
laboured. He likes... things and also had the honest but mistaken
belief that 1-900 numbers were free.
Mark is the co-founder and only remaining original member of the Unknown
Poets. Other members have come and gone, probably due to the strange and
foul odors Mark emits during long road trips.
Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you the most horrific, the most terrifying,
the most educated fiend to ever set his foul feet on this green earth:
DANE SADOWNYK,
the Living Duodenum!
(vocals, guitar, snazzy hair)
His dog is still alive, his pickup truck hasn't been repossessed and he hasn't lost his house (probably because he's never had a dog, or a house, but he's working on the truck), yet he's still the stuff of country songs. Although Mark and James have tried giving Dane shock therapy, he's still
unable to lose his twang.
Dane crawled his way out of the kitchen of a local dinner theatre, which not only provided him employment, but his daily meal. Dane was later given a chance to be at the top of the bottom, and joined The Unknown Poets. He has not been the same since.
Dane is a fan of prank calls and nipple piercing, but not necessarily in that order. His influences include that girl who sang that song, and that guy with the hair. Other than that he enjoys philosophical conversations with anyone who cares to listen.
Dane would like to thank, well...no one since he is quite conceited and believes his success is solely attributed to his own efforts.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
The unthinkable grotesqueness known by all as "the band members!"
Have pity for these wretched souls,
for they are doomed to forever remain Unknown.
